The Agony in the Garden. Then they came to a place named Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, “Sit here while I pray.” He took with him Peter, James, and John, and began to be troubled and distressed. Then he said to them, “My soul is sorrowful even to death. Remain here and keep watch.”  – Mark 14:32-34

I don’t want to always be sad. I don’t want to always write about sadness, and fear, and anxiety. I would love to rejoice instead, to dance and to sing. I want happiness. But sad and afraid is where I am right now.

My world was turned upside down. I thought I was doing okay; I thought I was coping. But in February, I had to face things differently. Life keeps changing.

Today is Palm Sunday. This morning I attended Mass and we held palms and said, “Crucify him.”

I looked around my church, and my eyes followed The Stations of the Cross. Each plaque as they go around the walls of my church tells the agonizing story of the Passion of Our Lord Jesus – His arrest and trial, His conviction, His punishment, carrying His Cross to the place He would die, His Crucifixion, His Death on the Cross, His Burial. I sat in view of the plaque of Jesus as He is taken down from the Cross after His Death.

Who am I? What right do I have to be afraid of my small life, when Jesus suffered on a cross of wood and died for me?

And yet, I am still here.  

There is a kind woman at my church who goes to each plaque and statue after Mass and touches them and kisses them if she can. She lost her grandson who was three years old to an illness. She told me once that her touches and kisses bring order to her mind. I have thought about her often in church, and thought about how the touches bring her comfort. Today I thought, I am like her in this way, that I seek my comfort from Jesus. For me though, the Bible is where I am comforted. For me, the Bible is Jesus. He hugs and consoles me there.

I was struggling with anxiety again about a year before my husband died. I have told about my healing from anxiety and it is true that I received my healing about 27 years ago, but from time to time the strong chains of fear grab hold and try to find a place in my soul again. Usually, I can pray it away, or read the Bible and it goes away, or the Holy Spirit gives me healing memories and the anxiety flees, but that year the fear came one night and was stubborn for many days. I could feel the strength of the fear, and I could not find peace. I would turn the pages of the Bible but I could not find peace there. I remember crying out to Him. “Jesus, where are You in this? I know You are here somewhere in this, but where?”

One late afternoon, I was riding in my car, and suddenly a picture came to my mind. It was a scene from the movie “The Passion of the Christ.” Jesus was in the garden of Gethsemane, it was night and He knew the soldiers were coming for Him. He asked Peter, James and John to keep watch while He prayed. In the gospel of Mark, Jesus is troubled and distressed and tells the three disciples that He “… is sorrowful even to death.” In the movie, He prays in the garden away from them, and then paces through the rocky dirt towards them, and you can feel His anxiety in the rocky pacing of His dusty sandals. I realized then that Jesus understood my anxiety. He was born into this world to feel what we feel, our pain and our fear, and also our love and joy. He was right there with me, always was and would never leave me.

Now, it is my turn. It’s my turn to keep watch this Holy Week. To stay at the foot of His Cross, while He suffers and dies for me, for us.

I know I am not very good at keeping watch. But I will try.

I want to be able to run on Easter Sunday, and rejoice there when we find His tomb empty. 

Amen. Alleluia.